


but this won't

by orphan_account



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Light Angst, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, Mentions of homophobia, Running Away, Underage Smoking, aged down sanhwa, biker!san, emotionally hurt!seonghwa, its light but pls dont read if ure sensitive, mentions of smut here and there, sorry i cant express it well
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-04
Updated: 2020-05-04
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:15:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,371
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24000442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: (TO BE REWRITTEN)as he watches the last cigarette of the pack crumble between his fingers, he thinks,"if only i'd have known you had a storm to weather."based off lewis capaldi's before you go.
Relationships: Choi San/Park Seonghwa
Comments: 8
Kudos: 33





	but this won't

**Author's Note:**

> hello, just a little warning before we start, this fic could potentially trigger certain feelings. so if you're sensitive to any of topics to the tags mentioned above, pls reconsider whether you would like to continue. it is not very heavy (emotionally), but just look out for yourselves!! feel free to exit any time you don't feel good. if you need someone to talk to, my twitter will be at the bottom
> 
> \- this was written based off lewis capaldi's before you go, a song that talks about the aftermath of someone committing suicide. this is one of my favourite songs, hence i decided to write it with my own pretty generic plot haha. it really touches me emotionally and it would be nice if you gave it a listen during or after reading. 
> 
> but, thank you for clicking on my fic! pls enjoy; i apologise in advance for any mistakes

_** seven july ** _

san remembers when he approached the figure that was seated at the roadside, looking all lonely and isolated. two cups of hot chocolate in his hands, one stacked on top of another, warmth radiating through his entire hand. 

“ hey there, ” he said, tone a little cheeky. he stretches his hand out, offering the beverage, and a sandwich, to the figure beside him.  “ can’t get something off your mind? ”

the person turned to look at him, and san guesses the other had just noticed his presence. they locked eyes, and san could see the mixture of emotions in those orbs, all the origins unknown, but it somehow made his heart ache.

“ i guess most people don’t have to worry about getting kicked out of the house at 18? ” the other guy said, hands reaching out to accept the food.  “ i’m seonghwa, you? ”

“ choi san, but you can just call me san. ”

seonghwa mumbles a little  mm  before taking a sip of the hot chocolate, eyes staring into the sunset. his feet continuously moved in a circular motion, sneakers dancing atop the dark asphalt. 

that somehow raises the corners of san’s lips by a few degrees. 

“ wanna spend the night with me, hwa? ” san asks, all straightforward & direct. he’s not expecting seonghwa to say yes. who in the right mind would agree to going home with a guy they just met a minute ago? 

the urge to laugh and say it was a joke started to rising up, but seonghwa nodded, supressing it. 

and san is so glad he never took it back. 

or maybe not.

* * *

san’s arms felt more like home, than home. 

seonghwa remembers growing up, being told by his father that boys should never cry. never ever show your emotions, never ever show your weaknesses. 

he was told to always be strong, be it physically or emotionally. do all the sports he could, make sure he took part & won competitions. 

study hard so that he could enrol into a good university, work his ass off at a prestigious company, earn money then find an attractive woman to bear your children in the future.

he was warned to never think of touching the arts, to never dream of dancing or singing. 

most importantly, never ever get romantically involved with people of the same gender. because it was disgusting, and it was a sin, his father said. 

but that night, the same night san found him, he broke all those rules. 

they were squeezed into the tiny bed of san’s, soft music playing in the background, the sound of raindrops hitting the ground cooperating with the beat of music. seonghwa didn’t remember how it started, but he remembers how all of his emotions took control of him. 

before he knew it, he was drenching san’s shirt, turning in into a different shade of grey. and san just held him in his arms, murmuring incomprehensible words and running his fingers through the other’s hair. 

san was a complete stranger, and seonghwa had never mentioned a single thing to him, but in between the lines of his tears seeping through the thin material of san’s shirt and the little words coming out from the younger’s mouth, they communicated. 

he let his walls come down, let himself be vulnerable around san. every single rule about never showing his emotions, about being the strongest he could be, about never being in such act with the same gender, disappeared all of a sudden. 

“ let it go, angel. you deserve it. ”

seonghwa vaguely remembers the warmth of san’s lips on his forehead before he falls asleep that night, rain still going on, emotions all messed up but heart feeling so full. 

* * *

seonghwa had left within a few hours, silently thanking san, but he comes back later that night, hot tears running down his face as his feet brings him to san’s apartment. 

san hugs him at the door, back stuck to the wall, not even bothering to close it. he holds him tightly, so damn tightly that seonghwa can’t breathe. but seonghwa doesn’t mind dying in san’s arms, drowning in his own tears and the other’s warmth. 

they remain like that for a good 30 minutes before seonghwa pulls away and sniffles, and san smiles a little, hand going up to wipe the tears away. 

“ i’m sorry, san.. ”

“ it’s fine. let’s go for a ride? it helps me when i’m down. ”

so they get into san’s motorbike in the middle of the night, seonghwa’s arms wrapped tightly aroudn the younger’s waist. seonghwa allows the side of his face to rest against san’s leather jacket, eyes staring emptily into the darkness as the biker wanders along the empty roads. 

he kicked himself out of his  “ home ” this time, running away before they could chase him. they put him through suffering again, and all seonghwa could think of was san. they had only stayed together for some time, but every second made him want to go back. so he bursted through the door, letting his legs carry him to the younger’s house, crying wildly like lunatic in the middle of the night. he could feel the accumulation of lactic acid in his legs, his brain telling him to stop, but his heart forced him to keep running. 

to keep running to his safe place.

seonghwa knew he was nothing but trouble to san, trouble to himself, trouble to his family. he couldn’t accept himself for who he was, and neither could his family. yet san, a complete stranger, gave him the love he never had. 

he focuses on san’s breathing, and the roars of the wind as they breezed through the empty streets. there were a few cars here & there, some of which honked at the two of them when san sped past them, a hearty laugh coming out from his mouth. 

seonghwa doesn’t know why, but the image of crescent eyes & dimples appears in front of him, and it makes him feel a bit better.

* * *

seonghwa was broken, and he knew it himself. he even let himself be broken, let himself be emotionally abused back at home. 

he hated the feeling of being broken, yet he enjoyed it so much. being broken in so many different ways forced him to take a look at the shattered pieces that had piled up at his feet, with his reflection staring back at him. 

as if his reflection was made to remind him how much of a disgrace he was in his parents’ eyes. but he only smiled at it, nodding his head. 

he had had many thoughts growing up. thoughts of escaping from hell, thoughts of being independent. sometimes he had thoughts of just disappearing from the world to end everything, just so his parents could live without a disgrace in the family. 

but now, his mind was filled with nothing but san. he didn’t want to admit it, but san was indeed the one who was providing solutions to all of his problems. 

his head feels empty as san thrusts into him, grip on his shoulder so pain yet so enjoyable. his tears are blurring his vision again, but his hands still manage to find their way around san’s neck, holding onto the other male for dear life.

intimacy was something he never understood until now. until he felt san’s body being so close to his, fucking all of his worries away. seonghwa feels like he’s in heaven as they both come, hot semen entering his body. 

it fills up all the empty gaps in his body, making him whine and yearn for more. but san laughs, shaking his head and hand coming up to pat the older’s head. 

“ you’re going to be tired. maybe next time, babe. ”

they wash up lazily and end up in the same position as the night they first met, seonghwa hidden from the world in san’s arms. 

some movie is playing on the television screen, but seonghwa only focuses on the movement of san’s fingertips on his skin. the younger male was drawing little circles up and down his forearm, occasionally going up to his shoulder (where it still kind of hurts). 

“ sleepy? ” san asks after a few moments of silence, noticing the way seonghwa had stilled in his arms. 

seonghwa only nods, pulling the blankets to his shoulders and swinging a leg over san. the younger smiles and switches the television off, wrapping an arm around seonghwa.

“ goodnight, san. ”

“ goodnight, hwa. i love you. ”

* * *

for as long as seonghwa could remember, he was enemies with cigarettes. 

it wasn’t like he would run away from smokers, but he just didn’t enjoy the sight of a single stick, or the choking scent of it. he just wished it didn’t exist. 

seonghwa had not gone back for days, deciding to spend his time at san’s instead and helping out his sister at the petrol station when he felt (mentally) better. 

san stops by the petrol station one evening, back from a racing competition. he usually would just return home straight away, eager to sleep away for the rest of the night, but he takes a turn instead and heads towards the petrol station. 

seonghwa smiles from inside the convenience store as he watches san park his motorbike at one corner, head clearing up a little. he doesn’t wait for san to find for him, but instead runs out to welcome the younger instead.

“ well, hey there. ” san laughs as seonghwa almost knocks him over, holding the other tightly in his arms.  “ you missed me that much? ”

“ yeah, ” seonghwa breathes, eyes glistening as he meets san’s very own pair.  “ how was your race? ”

“ i only know how to win. ”

seonghwa laughs and gives the other guy a little peck on the cheek, and pulls away to give san some space. they make their way to the roadside again, where san first found seonghwa. 

the couple sits in silence for a while, both of them just staring into the distance. san pulls out a fresh pack of cigarettes after a while, in which a lighter follows along. 

he doesn’t notice how seonghwa’s gaze follows him intently as he lights up the cigarette and takes a puff, allowing the smoke to diffuse. 

seonghwa hated cigarettes, all because of his father. that darned apartment was filled nothing with the smell of smoke, and the sight of endless packs of cigarettes.

“ why are you staring at me like that? ” san asks, laughing a little as he takes another hit. seonghwa only bites his lip silently in response, eyes travelling downwards, as if to avoid san’s. 

“ hey, what’s wrong? tell me, hwa. ” the younger puts the almost finished cigarette aside and wraps an arm around the older, pulling him in closer into his body.

almost immediately, seonghwa looks up with some tears in his eyes, looking so tired of everything that it hurts san.  “ san, you’re only 18. don’t do this. ”

“ it’s him, isn’t it? ”

a second of silence is enough to make san understand. 

“ this will be my last pack, i promise. ”

“ promise? ”

“ i promise you, park seonghwa. ” san says as he pulls out a marker from his jacket (something a fellow biker had stuffed in his pocket), and messily scribbles the word ‘last’ on the packet. 

he knows it’s hard to quit, but to get rid seonghwa of his problems, he would do anything.

* * *

_** seven august ** _

providing the right solutions to a problem indeed worked. it was like writing 4 as an answer to a mathematics question that asked for the sum of 1 and 3. somehow, it didn’t work sometimes. 

it was san this time, who was sitting at the roadside by the petrol station. instead of two cups of hot chocolate in his hands, there was the last pack of cigarettes. 

maybe he should have noticed how the solutions he provided were temporary. should have understood that seonghwa was facing a whole fucking crisis, and as much as those hugs & all the sex they had gave him some comfort, it would never solve seonghwa’s problem. should have understood that it wasn’t just about running away from a homophobic family who psychologically abused their own child. 

maybe he should have noticed how seonghwa saw himself as the problem. 

he remembers being eager to go back home to seonghwa, with much cash prizes & food in his hands, ready to just pamper the other & celebrate their first month together.

but only to see a letter lying on his bed. 

it was faintly scented like seonghwa — lavendar. nothing too intense and nothing too overpowering, but it made san’s head hurt. 

he barely remembers the last time he cried, and only knows that the tears that soaked his shirt used to be seonghwa’s. 

but now, it was his own.

seonghwa was happy to have met him, happy to have finally felt love and find someone who got him to stay strong & live. 

but some things were inevitable, and your inner demons would win you one day. 

seonghwa took his life in the morning, just hours after san left for his race. their last interaction was a soft kiss on the lips, and a small encouraging smile shared between them as san left the apartment. 

oh, how san wished he never left for the race. 

he lets himself cry for a few minutes, as if he was in seonghwa’s position. except there was no one holding him and murmuring little phrases of comfort in his ear, only the cold air. 

his sister called him shortly, notified of everything. he gave himself a few minutes to calm down before riding his bike to the petrol station, feeling empty.

they didn’t talk much, but his sister gave him a comforting hug, before leaving him to calm down alone. 

san pulls the last stick of cigarette out, lighting it up. its’ flame was bright, yet so dull. so alive, yet so dead on the inside.

san smokes it, staring at the fireball that was slowly disappearing. puff after puff, not even noticing that everything was vanishing from his view.

as he watches the last cigarette of the pack crumble between his fingers, he thinks,

"if only i'd have known you had a storm to weather."

**Author's Note:**

> thank u! <3  
> if u need someone [before you go](https://twitter.com/dprseong)


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